Friday, August 12, 2011
Tales from the other side of the ring!
I'm back, and married, and probably better than ever!! It's been a long hiatus, friends, but I am officially a married lady... and officially again in possession of my body, my schedule and my own time again! It feels great! It's a journey I'd like to more properly document sometime, perhaps on another portal of this blog, but I will share a few nuggets from my experience in the short time before and the day of the wedding! But for now, I leave you with this... this about sums up the entire experience. Worth a least 2,000 words I think ;)
photo courtesy of my amazing, stupendous photographer, Jaymie Batoon over at J. Castro Photography
On Marriage (please forgive my rant)
*Editor's Note: This is being published long after it was written. Long after the Marriage Equality act passed in NY State. But I feel strongly this is worth publishing anyway :)
As I enter into the 2-month-countdown period before my wedding, I have begun to reflect on my relationship and what marriage means. We were recently asked by our officiant why we are getting married. I was kind of unsure what to respond, other than in our gut it just feels like the right thing to do. I suppose there is nothing necessarily different about our situation now vs. us being married: we have lived together for nearly 4 years, and maybe save for the joint finances thing, we do most things married people do. I consider us a very typical couple, and often take for granted our day-to-day existence, even in light of the fact that only 45 or so years ago, my fiance and I would not be allowed to marry because of the menacing anti-miscegenation laws on the books. But I was very recently given pause to think otherwise...
I was struck recently by a commercial I saw on ESPN that has since been airing during NBA playoff games. And it disgusts and saddens me. The commercial is a totally bogus attempt to persuade people not to support LGBTQ rights and marriage equality. Its premises are so totally bogus that it's even shocking to think this network can get away with airing it in this neck of the woods. And regardless of what the law says, let's face it: love is not a legal act and therefore people will love who they choose. Better said: In 1919, the federal government banned the production, sale, trafficking and consumption of alcohol. Did that stop people from drinking? Nope. And yet the LGBTQ community pays taxes to the federal government and to local governments, vote, fight in the armed forces, spend their incomes on commercial goods and services, collect garbage, travel and are tourists, volunteer and donate time to bettering the world. I could go on, but as much as any of the rest of us, the LGBTQ community are IMPORTANT contributing members of society that should not be denied such a basic right.
Stopping the LGBTQ sector of the population from marrying is not going change their orientation. Little Johnnies across the nation aren't going to suddenly decide that they prefer little Bobs overnight, simply because they heard that their math teacher is gay. Not. gonna. happen. If children, however, learn tolerance and acceptance from those who lead different lives than themselves as a result of exposure to the LGBTQ community, this is NOT a bad thing. I spent this past Wednesday evening at a fundraiser for community activism, where one of the groups involved was an organization dedicated to working for the rights of LGBTQ youth in NYC, for kids from low-income families or economically depressed neighborhoods that have been disowned by their families because of their orientation. And then I come home to watch what I think will be a benign basketball game and I am confronted with hate. Hate that EPSN has been paid who knows what amount to sell to its consumers. Rest assured, ESPN has been contacted and we have pleaded with them to remove the ads. Who knows if they will listen, but it felt good to stand up for what I believe in.
Anyone else seeing an increase in anti-marriage equality campaigning or activity recently?
As I enter into the 2-month-countdown period before my wedding, I have begun to reflect on my relationship and what marriage means. We were recently asked by our officiant why we are getting married. I was kind of unsure what to respond, other than in our gut it just feels like the right thing to do. I suppose there is nothing necessarily different about our situation now vs. us being married: we have lived together for nearly 4 years, and maybe save for the joint finances thing, we do most things married people do. I consider us a very typical couple, and often take for granted our day-to-day existence, even in light of the fact that only 45 or so years ago, my fiance and I would not be allowed to marry because of the menacing anti-miscegenation laws on the books. But I was very recently given pause to think otherwise...
I was struck recently by a commercial I saw on ESPN that has since been airing during NBA playoff games. And it disgusts and saddens me. The commercial is a totally bogus attempt to persuade people not to support LGBTQ rights and marriage equality. Its premises are so totally bogus that it's even shocking to think this network can get away with airing it in this neck of the woods. And regardless of what the law says, let's face it: love is not a legal act and therefore people will love who they choose. Better said: In 1919, the federal government banned the production, sale, trafficking and consumption of alcohol. Did that stop people from drinking? Nope. And yet the LGBTQ community pays taxes to the federal government and to local governments, vote, fight in the armed forces, spend their incomes on commercial goods and services, collect garbage, travel and are tourists, volunteer and donate time to bettering the world. I could go on, but as much as any of the rest of us, the LGBTQ community are IMPORTANT contributing members of society that should not be denied such a basic right.
Stopping the LGBTQ sector of the population from marrying is not going change their orientation. Little Johnnies across the nation aren't going to suddenly decide that they prefer little Bobs overnight, simply because they heard that their math teacher is gay. Not. gonna. happen. If children, however, learn tolerance and acceptance from those who lead different lives than themselves as a result of exposure to the LGBTQ community, this is NOT a bad thing. I spent this past Wednesday evening at a fundraiser for community activism, where one of the groups involved was an organization dedicated to working for the rights of LGBTQ youth in NYC, for kids from low-income families or economically depressed neighborhoods that have been disowned by their families because of their orientation. And then I come home to watch what I think will be a benign basketball game and I am confronted with hate. Hate that EPSN has been paid who knows what amount to sell to its consumers. Rest assured, ESPN has been contacted and we have pleaded with them to remove the ads. Who knows if they will listen, but it felt good to stand up for what I believe in.
Anyone else seeing an increase in anti-marriage equality campaigning or activity recently?
Friday, May 13, 2011
Taming the Biggest Wedding Beast Yet: The Guest List!
This post is long overdue, and I know it's not going to be a revelation to anyone when I say it: Keep your guest list in check! It's been a rocky road for me & my fiance - and in fact, is one of the few moments in the whole process where I became a bridezilla. I wanted a wedding of 75-100 people (and closer to the 75 end than 100). I'm not getting it. It happened with the best intentions, but still brought me several ulcer-inducing moments. Believe me, sticking to your guns when it comes to your guest list is easier said than done, I know. So here are a few helpful tips I wish I had had in my back pocket for you brides-to-be out there:
1) Make a budget and stick to it! Whether you have a target number of people in mind first or a specific venue your hearts are set on, the first order of business you & your new fiance should address is making a wedding budget. The interwebs is a great place to do research, and many blogs I've talked about in other posts have forums where real brides all over post budgets or estimates for various services that can help you plan. Be realistic about what you can save and what your parents may or may not contribute. It may also be helpful to prioritize and have a wish list, in the event that you have some funds freed up and want to add on, or you choose to spend more on one thing you know where you can cut back on something else. Once you've decided how much you want to spend, do not go over. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. No matter how much your parents may want that ice sculpture. And if they want to give you money for that specifically if it's that important to them, fine. But we'll discuss that more in #2.
2) Know your limits. Have a serious conversation with your fiance about what's really important to you, and how you're going to pay for it. If either set of parents wants to contribute, make sure you and your fiance are clear about what that means. If you are ok with them participating or having a say in your decisions *because* they are contributing something, say so. Or if you prefer their contributions go to specific things (flowers, cake, transport, etc.) be very clear about that. Or, if you suspect that you may be bullied by the parental dollar, insist on paying for everything yourselves. It may mean you'll have a leaner wedding or something a little less extravagant than you imagined, but hey, you'll have the wedding you really truly wanted. And you can tell your parents to contribute to your honeymoon :)
3) Insist on priorities. If the parents have a set number of people they want to invite that you & your fiance deem reasonable, that's great. It can stop there. In most cases though, the sad truth is that your parents probably see your wedding as a way to show off their awesomeness to the whole dang world. I can't blame them for that. Translation: they will want to invite the far reaches of your family, their friends, their frenemies, their co-workers, their postal worker, you name it. Insist on having an A, B and even C list. The reality is that for whatever reason, not everyone on your A list is going to be able to make it. So if having as many people as possible at your wedding means a lot to you & your respective families, having backups are great. Not to mention that you have clear direction come RSVP time, and everyone is happy.
4) Set up artificial boundaries. If you want a target of 80 people to attend your wedding, you could choose a venue with a max of 85-90. Or, if you are dealing with a BYO-type place that you love, cost might also be a great deterrent. Say you want to have your wedding at a historic location that only allows tented receptions, which means you have to rent e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. This may bring your per person cost to, say, $250/person and you've decided that's awesome because it means you can only realistically invite 50 people. That way, you can blame it on "circumstances beyond your control." It may not always work, but it's something to think about.
I hope this is helpful. Your guest list affects almost everything else in your budget, and 10 extra people that you didn't anticipate or 10 people that don't show up can be equally nerve-wracking and stress-inducing. Save yourself a headache (or ulcer) and take hold of your guest list by the horns and be the boss of it. You'll be happy that you did!
1) Make a budget and stick to it! Whether you have a target number of people in mind first or a specific venue your hearts are set on, the first order of business you & your new fiance should address is making a wedding budget. The interwebs is a great place to do research, and many blogs I've talked about in other posts have forums where real brides all over post budgets or estimates for various services that can help you plan. Be realistic about what you can save and what your parents may or may not contribute. It may also be helpful to prioritize and have a wish list, in the event that you have some funds freed up and want to add on, or you choose to spend more on one thing you know where you can cut back on something else. Once you've decided how much you want to spend, do not go over. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. No matter how much your parents may want that ice sculpture. And if they want to give you money for that specifically if it's that important to them, fine. But we'll discuss that more in #2.
2) Know your limits. Have a serious conversation with your fiance about what's really important to you, and how you're going to pay for it. If either set of parents wants to contribute, make sure you and your fiance are clear about what that means. If you are ok with them participating or having a say in your decisions *because* they are contributing something, say so. Or if you prefer their contributions go to specific things (flowers, cake, transport, etc.) be very clear about that. Or, if you suspect that you may be bullied by the parental dollar, insist on paying for everything yourselves. It may mean you'll have a leaner wedding or something a little less extravagant than you imagined, but hey, you'll have the wedding you really truly wanted. And you can tell your parents to contribute to your honeymoon :)
3) Insist on priorities. If the parents have a set number of people they want to invite that you & your fiance deem reasonable, that's great. It can stop there. In most cases though, the sad truth is that your parents probably see your wedding as a way to show off their awesomeness to the whole dang world. I can't blame them for that. Translation: they will want to invite the far reaches of your family, their friends, their frenemies, their co-workers, their postal worker, you name it. Insist on having an A, B and even C list. The reality is that for whatever reason, not everyone on your A list is going to be able to make it. So if having as many people as possible at your wedding means a lot to you & your respective families, having backups are great. Not to mention that you have clear direction come RSVP time, and everyone is happy.
4) Set up artificial boundaries. If you want a target of 80 people to attend your wedding, you could choose a venue with a max of 85-90. Or, if you are dealing with a BYO-type place that you love, cost might also be a great deterrent. Say you want to have your wedding at a historic location that only allows tented receptions, which means you have to rent e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. This may bring your per person cost to, say, $250/person and you've decided that's awesome because it means you can only realistically invite 50 people. That way, you can blame it on "circumstances beyond your control." It may not always work, but it's something to think about.
I hope this is helpful. Your guest list affects almost everything else in your budget, and 10 extra people that you didn't anticipate or 10 people that don't show up can be equally nerve-wracking and stress-inducing. Save yourself a headache (or ulcer) and take hold of your guest list by the horns and be the boss of it. You'll be happy that you did!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Manners Mondays, Installment #5: The Art of Thank You
I'm sure the etiquette books out there have covered it all. But as I get older, I have noticed the slow and painful decline of showing appreciation to and for others. Younger generations these days have no idea what a thank-you note is. I've even witnessed people my age completely disregard something thoughtful that was done for them. I will relay today the importance saying "Thank you," not just because you're supposed to, but because it will make the world a better place (I promise)!
- For starters, getting into the habit of just saying thank you on a daily basis will make you a happier person. Recognizing kindness, I have found, is one of the best motivators to becoming a kinder person yourself. I recall recently taking the bus on the way to work one morning, and I noticed an empty seat so I approached it but immediately stopped and did not sit down because it had some kind of gunk on it. A man sitting across the aisle, who was otherwise engaged in conversation with someone else, noticed that I didn't end up sitting, pulled out some napkins he happened to have, reached over and wiped off the seat for me (and I mean, made sure there was nothing left for me to sit on). I was pretty amazed, and proceeded to thank him, loudly and profusely. And people say NY-ers are rude! Hmph! I am always amazed at the kindness of strangers, so I like to keep the good karma flowing. I suggest that you guys out there do the same. Thank your mailman, sanitation worker, the cashier at the bodega. It becomes much easier, the more you do it :)
- Speaking of day-to-day appreciation, thank the people you see day-in and day-out regularly. I try to thank my co-workers regularly - I know everyone works really hard and sometimes the higher-ups don't always verbalize how thankful they are for real effort. So I try to do it for them :) Also, I try to make it a point to say thank you to my fiance. I strive for daily, but admittedly I get wrapped up in my own issues sometimes. Hey, I'm human. But he is an incredible person and I try to recognize even the smallest things he does for me and for us because it's important. And it makes for happy relations. Amazing what a little TY will do!
- Which leads me to talk about weddings. It really makes me sad to hear of people out there who send pre-printed/messaged thank you cards to guests. Really?!??! I mean, your guests may have not had an original idea about a gift because they got something from your registry, or they just wrote you a check, but the reality is that it's a gift nonetheless from people you specifically invited to your wedding. They at least deserve a personal note. Especially in the age of emails and texts, it's actually really nice to receive something handwritten and with a stamp on it! Also, I can't stress enough the importance of timing. I've never understood why people actually still wait three months after the wedding to send a thank you (beyond, of course, hoping to use or send a wedding photo with the card). Or I guess if you're moving. But still. I can't tell you how many times in the last year that I've had to ask mutual friends of the person I know getting married if they know whether or not a gift of mine was received because I had yet to get a thank you. It's maddening really. A couple I know that got married last summer did something great: they sent out their thank you's without too much delay after the wedding, and then sent out holiday cards that had their wedding/honeymoon photos on them! Best of both worlds. We're not going on our honeymoon till September, so rest assured, once we're back from the wedding and all gifts have been catalogued, thank you's will begin to roll out immediately.
- Lastly, always send a thank you note after an interview. Paper/snail mail is best, but email is acceptable as well. In this economy, people are really busy. It takes a lot to schedule interviews and consultations, so even if you're not really sure what to say, thank people for their time and their interest in meeting with you. Like writing a thank you for a gift, you can mention at one thing you learned or one thing that struck you as interesting or positive about the company or position for which you interviewed. Even if you don't ultimately get the job, you'll be higher up in line than the schmos that didn't even think to send a thank you note.
I know it's just two simple words, but they are often so overlooked. It's not just about socially acceptable manners - saying thank you, and really meaning it, is so so important. I am fortunate to have experienced that what goes around, comes around, so appreciate and you will also be appreciated! Happy Monday!
- For starters, getting into the habit of just saying thank you on a daily basis will make you a happier person. Recognizing kindness, I have found, is one of the best motivators to becoming a kinder person yourself. I recall recently taking the bus on the way to work one morning, and I noticed an empty seat so I approached it but immediately stopped and did not sit down because it had some kind of gunk on it. A man sitting across the aisle, who was otherwise engaged in conversation with someone else, noticed that I didn't end up sitting, pulled out some napkins he happened to have, reached over and wiped off the seat for me (and I mean, made sure there was nothing left for me to sit on). I was pretty amazed, and proceeded to thank him, loudly and profusely. And people say NY-ers are rude! Hmph! I am always amazed at the kindness of strangers, so I like to keep the good karma flowing. I suggest that you guys out there do the same. Thank your mailman, sanitation worker, the cashier at the bodega. It becomes much easier, the more you do it :)
- Speaking of day-to-day appreciation, thank the people you see day-in and day-out regularly. I try to thank my co-workers regularly - I know everyone works really hard and sometimes the higher-ups don't always verbalize how thankful they are for real effort. So I try to do it for them :) Also, I try to make it a point to say thank you to my fiance. I strive for daily, but admittedly I get wrapped up in my own issues sometimes. Hey, I'm human. But he is an incredible person and I try to recognize even the smallest things he does for me and for us because it's important. And it makes for happy relations. Amazing what a little TY will do!
- Which leads me to talk about weddings. It really makes me sad to hear of people out there who send pre-printed/messaged thank you cards to guests. Really?!??! I mean, your guests may have not had an original idea about a gift because they got something from your registry, or they just wrote you a check, but the reality is that it's a gift nonetheless from people you specifically invited to your wedding. They at least deserve a personal note. Especially in the age of emails and texts, it's actually really nice to receive something handwritten and with a stamp on it! Also, I can't stress enough the importance of timing. I've never understood why people actually still wait three months after the wedding to send a thank you (beyond, of course, hoping to use or send a wedding photo with the card). Or I guess if you're moving. But still. I can't tell you how many times in the last year that I've had to ask mutual friends of the person I know getting married if they know whether or not a gift of mine was received because I had yet to get a thank you. It's maddening really. A couple I know that got married last summer did something great: they sent out their thank you's without too much delay after the wedding, and then sent out holiday cards that had their wedding/honeymoon photos on them! Best of both worlds. We're not going on our honeymoon till September, so rest assured, once we're back from the wedding and all gifts have been catalogued, thank you's will begin to roll out immediately.
- Lastly, always send a thank you note after an interview. Paper/snail mail is best, but email is acceptable as well. In this economy, people are really busy. It takes a lot to schedule interviews and consultations, so even if you're not really sure what to say, thank people for their time and their interest in meeting with you. Like writing a thank you for a gift, you can mention at one thing you learned or one thing that struck you as interesting or positive about the company or position for which you interviewed. Even if you don't ultimately get the job, you'll be higher up in line than the schmos that didn't even think to send a thank you note.
I know it's just two simple words, but they are often so overlooked. It's not just about socially acceptable manners - saying thank you, and really meaning it, is so so important. I am fortunate to have experienced that what goes around, comes around, so appreciate and you will also be appreciated! Happy Monday!
Slacking, Slacking, Slacking... and Happy New Year!
I can't really believe it's been 4 months since I posted something. WOW! How embarrassed am I? Sorry folks! Life has taken some interesting turns, and I hope you'll forgive me when you learn why. But I'm really sorry for neglecting my blogging duties! I promise, I'm back!
So besides that ridiculous snowstorm that happened the day after Christmas (yeah, what was that about??), both of my fiance's grandparents died within a month of each other. I mean, they weren't necessarily at 100%, but I was holding out a little bit of hope that they were going to make it to the wedding. I am thankful I was able to meet them at least, and they lived long enough to see their two great-grandchildren (fiance's niece and nephew). And I know what I'm about to say is a little, um, unorthodox, but the amazing thing about having witnessed these two deaths is that I think now believe that death by broken heart is really a legitimate cause of death. My fiance's grandfather died first, and literally, just five or six days later, his grandmother followed suit. How in love must they have been for one not to be able to go on without the other? It's as sad as it is inspiring. I'm not an optimist, but I'm a softee and that hits me right there. Le sigh. So I think on our wedding day, I will leave a symbolic empty chair in the front row on both sides for both sets of grandparents.
In work news, my firm was selected to do the exhibit design for the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture! I am super excited but unfortunately, having been promised to other projects already, I won't really be getting my hands dirty until next year. It's an exciting time nonetheless, and something I'm looking forward to it!
The wedding planning has been up and down. Deaths in the family always remind people of those they should have invited, which inevitably almost happened. Our guest list, and budget, have since ballooned - so much so that even all of the free and free-ish stuff we've managed to get hasn't really saved us much of anything. Another post on that later - and hopefully a lesson to you out there! So we've been trying to pick up the pieces, since we can't uninvite people at this stage. We will sadly have to cut back on some things that we wanted to do to make our a day a little bit more extra special. Probably my first real bridezilla moment, but I think I was in my right ;) I can hardly believe the big day is just a few months away! I am giving you fair warning though, that I will probably experience some serious WPW (Wedding Planning Withdrawl) so I'm gonna have to hit you with a little more wedding stuff even after all is said and done. You'll indulge me that, right?
And now back to your regularly scheduled blogging...
So besides that ridiculous snowstorm that happened the day after Christmas (yeah, what was that about??), both of my fiance's grandparents died within a month of each other. I mean, they weren't necessarily at 100%, but I was holding out a little bit of hope that they were going to make it to the wedding. I am thankful I was able to meet them at least, and they lived long enough to see their two great-grandchildren (fiance's niece and nephew). And I know what I'm about to say is a little, um, unorthodox, but the amazing thing about having witnessed these two deaths is that I think now believe that death by broken heart is really a legitimate cause of death. My fiance's grandfather died first, and literally, just five or six days later, his grandmother followed suit. How in love must they have been for one not to be able to go on without the other? It's as sad as it is inspiring. I'm not an optimist, but I'm a softee and that hits me right there. Le sigh. So I think on our wedding day, I will leave a symbolic empty chair in the front row on both sides for both sets of grandparents.
In work news, my firm was selected to do the exhibit design for the Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture! I am super excited but unfortunately, having been promised to other projects already, I won't really be getting my hands dirty until next year. It's an exciting time nonetheless, and something I'm looking forward to it!
The wedding planning has been up and down. Deaths in the family always remind people of those they should have invited, which inevitably almost happened. Our guest list, and budget, have since ballooned - so much so that even all of the free and free-ish stuff we've managed to get hasn't really saved us much of anything. Another post on that later - and hopefully a lesson to you out there! So we've been trying to pick up the pieces, since we can't uninvite people at this stage. We will sadly have to cut back on some things that we wanted to do to make our a day a little bit more extra special. Probably my first real bridezilla moment, but I think I was in my right ;) I can hardly believe the big day is just a few months away! I am giving you fair warning though, that I will probably experience some serious WPW (Wedding Planning Withdrawl) so I'm gonna have to hit you with a little more wedding stuff even after all is said and done. You'll indulge me that, right?
And now back to your regularly scheduled blogging...
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